Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sharkey... We hardly knew ya

Sharkey... you were one of a kind.  Well, not really.  In fact, if you were among your peers I am fairly sure I wouldn't be able to pick you out.  But that's okay because you had a great personality.  Actually, you didn't have much of a personality.  Ummm... you were amusing?  Maybe for about 6 seconds.  Beyond that you were pretty boring.

At least you can say you were a Drozd, Sharkey.  That's gotta count for something.  And even though your time with us was short, just remember... as you make your final journey to the bottom of your porcelain grave, which drains into that big fishbowl in the sky you will be missed (sort of... until Sharkey II comes home to take your place).

Adios, Sharkey!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What's For Supper?

Last night for supper Melissa and I decided neither of us were going to cook.  Instead we decided that we would get some chicken and sides from KFC.  I left to go pick it up and when I got home Henry was at the door waiting to greet me... like an excited dog.

H:  Hi Daddy!!!
J:  Hey Bud.
H:  What do you have?
J:  Chicken.
H:  Where did you go?
J:  Kentucky Fried Chicken.
H:  Oh.

So I take the food into the kitchen and start unpacking it.  Henry wanders into the living room and begins to talk to Melissa.

H:  Daddy is home!!!
M:  Awesome!
H:  He went to Kenf**cky Fried Chicken!
M:  Where?!
H:  Kenf**cky Fried Chicken!!
M:  Kentucky Fried Chicken?
H:  Yeah, Kentucky Fried Chicken.

So, we sit down to eat and as we're eating Audrey tells us how much she likes the chicken.

A:  This Confetti Fried Chicken is yummy!
J:  The what??
A:  Confetti Fried Chicken.
J:  Oh... it's Kentucky Fried Chicken.
A:  Oh (giggle).

It's amazing how kids can say the funniest things without even trying.

On a side note I feel the need to commend our local Kentucky Fried Chicken establishment for their friendliness as well as the speed and quality with which they filled my order.  Normally, I wouldn't think twice about this type of thing.  However, I did pay attention yesterday because the last time I went there the staff was less than friendly.  And it wasn't until after I placed my order and paid that they proceeded to inform me (and the other paying customers) that they were out of chicken.  Now, I can understand if they had run out of corn on the cob or mashed potatoes... but chicken!!!  Are you serious?!  That's like Pizza Hut saying they are out of pizza.  It's just wrong...  just wrong to be out of your main product.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mastercard Commercial (The Lost Ads) - #2

Candy and toys to be used as an
incentive as you attempt to potty train:  $20.00

New package of "big boy" underwear
because diapers are for babies:  $8.00

Another new package of "big boy" underwear
in order to replace his favorite pair which
you accidentally flushed down the toilet:  $8.00


Breathing a sigh of relief that you didn't have to
call a plumber and explain that the toilet is clogged
because you flushed a pair of "big boy" underpants:  Priceless

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Mastercard Commercial (The Lost Ads) - #1

Paper blind you bought to cover the bathroom
window until you can find a curtain you really like:  $5.00

Late night trip to the ER to get stitches because
you sliced your thumb with a rotary cutter
trying to cut the paper blind to fit the window:  $350.00

Trip to the Dr.'s office to have the
stitches removed from the thumb you
sliced while cutting the paper blind:  $120.00


Still having the ability to twiddle your thumbs:  Priceless

Monday, February 1, 2010

A Valentine's Day Poem - By Audrey

Valentine's Day.
Oh Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day.
It is close.  I will be
delighted.  Henry is
delighted.  Daisy sips her
milk and Maggie wears a
bow.  Mom loves me!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Can I Get A Beer With My Slice?

The following takes place around 10PM Saturday, January 23rd.

The kids had been in bed for a couple of hours and were sleeping soundly.  Now, if I could only get the dog to stop barking.  I was downstairs paying close attention to the news.  Well, maybe it was more like nodding off on the couch while the tv was on, but now we're just splitting hairs.  Anyway, so I'm downstairs and Melissa is upstairs doing who knows what.  Just a quiet night at the Drozd household.  But, if that's the case, then this will be a boring read.

All of a sudden I was awakened from my slumber... ummm... errr... my attention to the important goings on in the world was shattered by my wife screaming and yelling upstairs.  As these weren't screams of excitement for winning the lottery or something similar I felt obligated to race upstairs and find out what was going on.  Of course, I was at a loss as to what possibly could have happened to cause her to let loose with a (partially) profanity laced outburst loud enough to wake up the kids had it continued.  I finally found her only to discover that her thumb was bleeding profusely while she was wrapping it in tissue.  She didn't tell me that a slasher flick was filming at our house.

She finally calmed down somewhat.  What follows is an excerpt of the conversation that we had:

J: What happened?!
M: I sliced my thumb.
J: How did you do that?
M: I was using my rotary cutter to trim a paper blind and it slipped.
J: Did you cut it off?
M: No.
M: I think I need to go to the ER.
J: Really?!  Let me see it.
J: Hmmm.
J: (In a serious tone) Do you think you can drive yourself to the ER?  I am not calling an ambulance to take you and I don't really want to get the kids out of bed.
M: I don't know if I can.

Fortunately, Melissa was able to get a hold of one of her friends who was willing to come over and stay with the kids while we went to the ER.

11PM  We walk into the ER and it is dead.  I think all of the nurses working that night were huddled around the reception desk just waiting for us to walk in.  Melissa got checked in and brought back to a room right away.  Both of us were thinking "OK, great... we'll be in and out."  Ha!  Guess again.  It's the ER.  Guests check-in, but they don't checkout.  At least that's the goal.  OK, bad joke... couldn't resist.  The point is that the visit was not quick.


12:30AM  The ER Dr. finally makes an appearance.  I should point out that when he finally showed up to look at Melissa's thumb it wasn't bleeding very much and some of the pain had subsided.  Of course, this made Melissa start to second guess whether she should have come to the ER.  However, the next few minutes took away any doubt she had.  First, the doc took the gauze off of Melissa's thumb.  So far, so good.  Next, he took the thumb between his fingers.  Still doing OK.  Finally, he squeezed it.  At this point things got interesting as squeezing the thumb had two effects.  Effect #1 - the thumb was now gushing blood.  Effect #2 - the squeezing caused Melissa a teeny, tiny bit of pain.  I need to clarify that I am not 100% positive Melissa was in pain. I am making an assumption that she was in pain based on the way she twisted and contorted her face (I didn't know her face could look like that) and nearly jumped out of the bed when he squeezed.  Needless to say it didn't take him long to determine that stitches were needed.

So the doc left to request one of the nurses to bring a "sewing" kit to the room.  20 minutes later he popped his head into the room to see if the kit was there yet.  It wasn't.  He returned 10 minutes later with a kit in his hands.

1:30AM  Doc finally has everything he needs and is ready to begin.  He starts by getting out a syringe and filling it with the anesthetic to numb the thumb.  At this point, being the good, supportive husband that I am, I used my hands to give Melissa a visual of just how big the syringe and needle were as she was unable to see it from her vantage point.  For some reason this earned me a dirty look and a "Shut up" from her.

The doc took the anesthetic filled needle and stuck her thumb all around the knuckle (supposedly this is where most of the nerve endings are) to try and numb it.  After a few minutes he tested the thumb to see if it still had any feeling.  It did.  This meant there would be a second round of numbing.  Round 2 saw him stick the needle around and directly in the wound.  I should note that once again Melissa appeared to be in at least a little bit of pain as the doc stuck her wound over and over and over with the needle.  I think she actually got a few inches off the bed this time as he did this.  But the important thing was her thumb was numb.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Or maybe it's just the overhead light I see and am having trouble making it out as my eyelids are getting heavy.  Either way we're on the home stretch since he is now actually sewing up the wound.

2:30AM  3½ hours and 6 stitches later we are finally ready to leave.  Now, I realize we could have been there much longer had there been accident victims, gunshot victims or a swine flu outbreak, but there was no one else there when we got there and only a couple of people when we were leaving, including one person standing in the hall holding his bleeding thumb.  So, the way I see it there is no reason that I should not have been in my bed by 12:30AM at the latest.  Alas, all is well... Melissa is still able to count to 10 on her hands.  The stitches come out in a few days and we are taking the necessary precautions at home to ensure that she does not have access to any sharp objects without adult supervision.

Well, you've  made it this far and have reached the solicitation portion of the post.  This is the second year in a row that Melissa has made a visit to the ER in January.  Last year she had the flu and became so dehydrated that she blacked out for a short period prompting a call to 911.  Since it appears that she is going to make late night trips to the ER in January an annual event we are now putting friends and family on notice that they need to be available at the drop of a hat to come to our house when she decides it's time for her visit in January 2011.

P.S. Here is your medical tip for the day:  When you have a cut, scratch, scrape, gash, laceration or other wound it is best to clean it with just tap water.  If you have something like a medicine syringe or nasal aspirator (i.e. snot sucker) to squirt the water over the wound then that is even better.  That helps to blow the bacteria out of the wound.  Using antiseptic, peroxide, etc. can actually damage the skin and cause the healing process to take longer.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

And So It Begins...

Audrey's first day of kindergarten was Wednesday. Needless to say she was very, very excited. Now, she has been attending pre-school, pre-K, etc. for the past couple of years, but that doesn't really compare to kindergarten, does it? I mean we're talking kindergarten here... this is the big-time. Full day classes, eating lunch in the school cafeteria, her very own locker.

So, we drove Audrey to school Wednesday morning and went in with her since parents were allowed to stay with their children for a little while. First was announcements in the auditorium (more on this in a bit), then off to the classroom for our good-byes. Now, there were a couple of kids who were clinging to their parents legs holding on for dear life not wanting them to leave. Then there was Audrey... no tears... not even really looking at us, except maybe for a quick glance or two with an expression that seemed to ask when we were leaving. Little Miss Independent. All grown up (at least in her eyes) and ready to take on the world. 1 day down, 13 years and counting until college. And So It Begins...

(On a side note, we are now gladly taking donations for Audrey's [or Henry's for that matter] college fund.)

As I mentioned above the first order of business Wednesday morning was to head to the auditorium for announcements. There was the obligatory "let's be safe dropping off/picking up children" spiel, the kindergarten teacher (Mrs. Breedlove) introducing herself and then her covering some of the many fun things the kids will be doing this year. The final announcement was one that I wasn't quite expecting (at least not on Wednesday morning... the morning of the FIRST day... of kindergarten!).

A PTO rep stood up to introduce herself and explain about the PTO at the school and about the many wonderful things they have done for the school. OK, fine, so far so good. Then, of course, she started talking about fundraisers. Not unexpected, it is the PTO after all and fundraisers are their main source of income. However, she continued on and began talking about the first fundraiser of the year - what the kids would be selling, all the fun prizes the kids can earn, etc. And guess when it starts?

Let me pause for a moment and say that I am not naive. I knew that there would be a fundraiser or three before the school year was done. It's part of sending your kid to school. I get it.

Anyway, back to my previous question... guess when this fundraiser starts? To my (and probably every other parent's) delight it was starting that very same day. Woo Hoo!!! (note the hint of sarcasm) Audrey came home from school very excited about the fundraiser. The "Candy Man" visited her class to tell the kids even more about the fundraiser... or as Audrey says the "fun"raiser. (Two different sets of ears hearing two different things with vastly different meanings and connotations. Amazing!) And we'll get to do this at least a couple more times before the school year is over. And So It Begins...